I write as a form of self-care therapy and to better understand myself. This will be the first in a series of articles in which I analyze and reflect on the subject of my love triangle relationship. More specifically, this is the story of how I fell in love with two women at the same time.

I am not a lustful man. I have never been someone who seeks intimacy with many women, nor have I pursued casual relationships. Throughout my life, I have had very few romantic relationships. I can only feel truly fulfilled in a relationship when I both love and feel loved in return. In modern terms, this is often described as being demisexual.

A demisexual person generally does not experience strong sexual attraction or satisfaction unless a deep emotional bond has first been formed. For me, physical intimacy feels empty without a meaningful and loving emotional connection. Love is not merely an enhancement to intimacy—it is a prerequisite.

I also struggle with traits associated with codependency and limerence. In psychological terms, a person experiencing severe codependency or limerence may find it extraordinarily difficult to leave a relationship, even when it has become unhealthy or stagnant. Their emotional well-being and sense of identity become deeply tied to the other person.

When a relationship ends or is threatened, the pain can feel overwhelming and almost physical. Logic may suggest that leaving is the right choice, yet emotionally it can feel impossible. This tendency has made me an extremely loyal and committed partner. When I love someone, I will do almost anything to maintain and preserve that relationship.

Because of this, when I am in love, I have no interest in other women. I intentionally avoid situations that could even appear inappropriate. I agree with Dr. John Gray, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, that some men channel feelings of attraction toward others into renewed appreciation and affection for the woman they love.

I have always considered myself a loyal man. Yet fate has a way of testing our deepest convictions.

What happens when a man who values loyalty above all else falls in love with two women simultaneously?

During the era of online dating, and amid the restrictions of the COVID-19 pandemic, I met two women only days apart. Prior to meeting them, I had spent months speaking with various women online, none of whom felt like a true match. Then suddenly, I found two women who seemed remarkably compatible with me.

At the time, international travel was indefinitely suspended. I assumed that one of the relationships would eventually fade away, as online relationships often do. Long-distance relationships are fragile, especially when there is no clear opportunity to meet in person.

I also knew that ending a harmonious relationship was something I found emotionally difficult.

Deep down, I understood that I should choose one woman and end the other relationship. Eventually, I told one of them that I needed to break things off because I going to meet with someone else. During that painful conversation, I confessed that I wanted to remain with her. However, her personal circumstances made it impossible to know if—or when—we could ever meet in person.

What happened next only made everything more difficult.

During our discussion, we both admitted that we deeply loved each other. For me, that meant the possibility of loving her forever and building a lifelong partnership together. My soul felt imprinted by her. I believed she felt something similar.

At almost the same time, the other woman traveled overseas to meet me. When she arrived, I was physically unwell, emotionally exhausted, heartbroken, and lonely. She cared for me. She helped me recover. She showed me a level of compassion and kindness that I had rarely experienced before.

Her love felt selfless and pure.

In time, I became deeply attached to her as well.

I begged God and fate to intervene. I prayed that circumstances would end one or even both relationships because I knew I could not do it myself. I feared that if both continued, the outcome would eventually be disastrous.

Yet neither relationship ended.

Five years passed before fate finally intervened in a way I never expected.

A hidden camera exposed my deception and brought the love triangle to an abrupt end.

There were many events and emotional dramas that unfolded during those years—stories I may share in future articles. For now, however, I want to focus on the ending, or what appears to be the ending.

I attempted what I believed would be a gentle transition. I tried to separate from one woman while remaining with the other, maintaining relationships with both as I searched for a permanent solution. In my mind, I was trying to protect everyone involved.

Instead, my actions caused profound pain.

When the truth was revealed, one of the women felt deeply betrayed. Wanting to protect herself from further hurt, she ended the relationship immediately. In a brief message, she severed contact and disappeared from my life completely.

For someone like me, the loss was devastating.

She was not merely a partner. I considered her my soulmate.

My mind understands her decision. My heart and soul do not.

Each night, as I try to fall asleep, I find myself composing messages to her that I never send. I read about betrayal trauma, attachment styles, limerence, soulmates, and avoidant behavior in an effort to understand what is happening within me.

I share these struggles with the other woman.

She listens patiently and smiles kindly. She tells me that the woman who left did not truly love me and that she had other objectives within the relationship. In her view, once those objectives could no longer be achieved, she no longer needed me.

I do not know if that is true.

What I do remember are her final words.

She encouraged me to love myself first. She urged me to focus on my health and mental well-being. She advised me to protect my financial security and to strive to become the best and most loyal partner I could be.

The greatest way I can honor her now is by following that advice.

I will respect her wish that I not contact her. I will bear the pain that remains. Despite everything that happened, I still love her. The consequences of my choices are mine to carry, and I hope to use them as fuel to become a better man.

When we last spoke, I told her that perhaps our story was not truly over and that only time could decide.

She disagreed.

She told me that our story had ended and that I needed to move on.

But I am a man who struggles with codependency and limerence. Moving on is easier said than done.

So for now, I will love quietly. I will continue working toward becoming the best version of myself.